the blog seemed a little dreary, so in the spirit of spring approaching, rebirth, renewal and all that stuff -- wanted to make the blog a little brighter......it's not much but it's a small change -- that's what life is about isn't it? changing? i'm not so good at adapting to the changes, but i know that things are thrown at me for a reason....things are put in my path and changes are made for the next step to take place whether it seems good or bad at the time....you have to keep the faith.......things will always get better......even it takes some time....it's just so hard to handle the uncertainty....the not knowing, it eats aways at me.......right now we're faced with another kind of major decision for our family of whether paddy and mack will stay at St.Rose and it will impact everyone, but how -- i cannot say - it all depends on what our decision turns out to be.....i just have to keep the faith.....keep knowing in my heart that whatever turns out to be is what is supposed to be....rest assured -- i'll be hoping for the best and trying not to expect the worst....now that i have absorbed the *impact* it doesn't seem like the end of the world - like it did yesterday....it's just that i know how happy they are to be there and i don't want them to be unhappy....but i don't want our family to suffer because we are always balancing, playing catch up, trying to stay afloat either. i'm sending out HUGS and many prayers to all of you that you will feel safe and secure with whatever is troubling you in these uncertain times and that you keep the faith too. here's a picture or two to cheer you....like it cheers me :0) this is a prompt from my friend Jen's blog - and simply put these two faces make all the struggle, pain, frustration go away and they are what make me truly happy!
how's it going for all of you? good i hope......i hope that everything is going good -- that the weather is decent -- or has at least improved wherever you are.....not to get all methodical and deep on ya -- but sometimes you have to take a step back, re-evaluate and realize that you're just not cut out for something.....that's sometimes a really difficult decision and you might not even like it -- in fact you might shed tears about it, or feel frustrated.....but for everyone involved you know it's the right decision to make.....yet you feel guilty and like you've let others down and you're even unhappy about the decision -- and you don't know how to fix it without being unfair to everyone else because you can't handle all of the responsibility that you took on.....and then it got too overwhelming and you didn't want to disappoint others who were counting on you......that's how i feel right now.....like a failure, like i've hurt people who don't deserve it, like i don't know what direction my life is going in and it's very upsetting --- not meeting goals i had set out to accomplish and wanting things to be the way they were and nothing seems to be going that way....the path is winding somewhere and being the control freak that i am -- i have no control of the direction and i think that's what is bothering me the most.......am i the only one who ever feels this way? gosh, i hope not. i hope that i don't pass the seriousness, the self depreciating, the lack of confidence onto patrick and mackenzie....they so do not deserve that uphill battle in their lives, life is hard enough as it is sometimes, but to add self loathing and that kind of thing onto the plate is just overload..........ick -- you probably don't want to hear about all this, i'm sorry for that -- this is not the kind of cheery post you're used to, not the smarmy, fun, morgan randomness you're used to.......here's a few lighter notes to round out the blunt yuckness of the beginning of this post.....in recent days.....paddy has really come into reading -- he's been so very excited about the reading program at school and he's excelling greatly trying to keep up with the accelerated readers in his class -- he's like me though and is very hard on himself when he can't figure out a word.....he also cracks me up because any chance he can get -- he's trying to throw in the swear words into everyday speak -- and i'm not talking like a$$ or a fancy word for poop --- he broke out with a not so common one d!ckface......and i think i actually snorted when he said that.......in front of him too -- always being such the disciplinarian *insert eye roll* -- and of course he started laughing too -- so now it's kind of a thing to see what he can get away with! mackie is also reading beyond belief -- enjoying telling me her sight words and telling random people in stores that she can read and she's only 4.......and telling on her brother for every little thing that causes her any sort of dismay.....she also has shared with me that an upside down heart makes a sad heart and she only likes happy hearts......of course! cinna is plugging along, sweet as ever minus her snottiness to meg last week causing meg to get staples in her ear....that's what you get with two spoiled girls i guess, meg is perfectly fine and cinna spends her time trying to make up for it by giving meg extra licks and staring holes through me with her best cow eyes......karl's good he's working, working, working, and trying to keep up with all of us crazy folk back at the homestead.....which really, is a job in itself sometimes....and me -- well i'm baking, i really bake a lot when i'm stressed --- i've been baking a lot lately.....and i've been trying to fill my addled brain with fiction and historical novels so i don't beat myself up further......and i'm creating things too -- slowly.....steadily....plodding along.
XOXO - shannon